Hello and Happy Monday,
A few weeks ago, Melissa asked to see her birth certificate, so I went to look for it and couldn’t find it. In fact, I couldn’t find a bunch of papers and other things that are valuable to me. I was confused and then remembered that at some point last year we switched things around and I had to have it somewhere else. I didn’t think about it too much but definitely wanted to find it.
A week or so passed and I brought it up to Joe. He went looking. We are in the midst of reorganizing our closet so I still have some things in another closet, not very organized. He asked if it was in one of my “piles”. It wasn’t.
At some point during that “looking”, the voice in my head got pretty loud. It kept singing the chorus of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers song, “Even the Losers” insinuating that I was the “loser”. And the loop of words was, “I am a mess, my life is a mess, I am disorganized, I am messy, how could I lose these things. After all the shit I had gone through, some of these documents are as old as me, how could I lose them now? I should have my life together at this point.” During this onslaught of negativity, I was checking all the closets, all the “piles” of documents I have around the house and I heard Joe call out, “I found it!” I walked back upstairs and he said, “it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok” he knew that voice was going just by the look on my face, and I fell in his arms and cried. (Yes, I cry often and love that I have that release of energy.)
A week or so later, during dinner with the kids, the voices in our heads came up. I asked Michael and Melissa if they ever heard that mean person in their head. They had. I told them that story. I asked what their voice said. I told them how whatever the voice says, the brain looks for back up with our eyes – so as the voice was telling me that I was a mess, all I could see was a mess. Before I asked the kids if the voice was true, I asked them if they thought I was a loser. Michael almost stood up, adamantly saying “no way!”, I asked if they thought I was a mess and disorganized. Michael again chimed in with, “it’s organized chaos”. Melissa followed up with, “you always know where everything is in this house”. I agreed with them, and that since they agreed my voice wasn’t telling the truth neither was theirs.
At first, I wanted to name the voice, picking a name of a person I don’t particularly care for. But I quickly realized that that voice is scared, that this voice is full of fear, that this voice needs compassion and love.
What’s your voice say? Do you believe it? Do you give it love?
We are so much more than the thoughts in our heads.